Snow. Childhood. Muslims celebrating Christmas. Staying true to yourself. Being somebody! (Merry Christmas!)

They say it might snow this christmas here in the UK. I love snow. It's been too long since I had a snow fight. I love grass fights more because I have a love for ease, and it's a lot easier to brush off grass in the summer, than it is to brush off cold snow in the winter. But then, that's the fun of a snow-fight, to lose yourself, to be a child, forget the cold, and just let loose and throw snow in each others faces in a slightly harder way than I...ahem, you expected. Okay so I never really loved snow-fights that much. But I would love to see snow falling. I may even pray for snow. No I won't.

As far as this consumer thing goes- I never really did have much use for christmas to be honest with you. Sure when my family was young, before we all found ourselves and our true identities, we would have a tiny, rather pathetic, but still present christmas tree stuffed away in the corner of our house. Two presents for my brother and I, we didn't get into all that, 'you buy me something I buy you something, everyone buy everyone something' kinda mentality, I think we stopped celebrating Christmas by the time we would have been old enough to buy each other stuff. I'm thankful for that though. I still remember those times with happiness. Not because of the presents, but just because I remember the feeling of those times with my family, warm in the house, safe in the winter. If Christmas is just another excuse for that kind of feeling- then I'm happy, I say go for it, enjoy your celebrations. Bear in mind that I'm talking to non-practicing christians who celebrate Christmas here.

I suppose what makes me scratch my head is that there's so many tough-guys (men and women) here in the west, and even worse, in the Arab world, who will go on for days at me about how corrupt america is and how it's screwing up the whole world, and yet I know that most of them will be doing christmas-ey things. A Muslim friend in an Arabic country even talked about "how this is an expensive time of year" with the presents and so on. I don't know what to make of it. I don't have a problem with someone making an excuse to get together, but it's just the fact that they're so willing to buy into the same consumer-type christmas that bothers me, makes it seem so disingenuous. The best person in my personality reassures me and says, "they're not being hypocrites." But then again, the other person in me says, "yes they are."

One thing in my life I've always been unable to get rid of is the natural feeling I have which forces me to realise when I'm not being honest and true to myself. I have a sharp brain, that I can admit, and I have been able to detect the times in my youth when I was lying to myself through something I said or did. I knew when I wasn't being me, and I was very sensitive that others might also spot me and embarass me, although in this society no one ever did because there were so few like me (from ethnic/spiritual and just plain personality perspectives). Since I've been older I've tried to let that awareness in my brain cut off my actions before I had the opportunity to do something or say something that didn't 'feel like me'. So I will not take the opportunity for sympathy sometimes, when it appears there is a hole in the conversation which might allow me to say 'poor me' and await a typically soothing response from a kind friend. This awareness ties in with everything, it was the same feeling when I couldn't lie to myself about how uncomfortable I felt in clubs dancing to music that I didn't like. It's a strange feeling- like a screaming and violent dwarf jumping up and down on your shoulders continuously poking you in the neck saying "stop lying to yourself! You phoney! You don't like this music, why are you dancing?" and it happens in many other things, in conversations with people who I'd rather not be talking to, agreeing with things I'd rather not be listening to. I don't like putting myself in that position. Not because I'm moral or righteous (whatever that means!) but just because I dislike that feeling of being untrue. Being fake doesn't feel good, it doesn't sit well with me, it itches to the point that it almost hurts. Maybe I'm notbeing totally honest with my overall justification here, because my inclinations are also based on my way of life- Islam- as well as not liking to be fake- but nonetheless- it does hurt when you're being fake to yourself and you know it.

And so I can't deny that I have generally avoided getting involved in the christmas thing quite often on purpose because I knew I'd feel that same poking feeling from my conscience making me feel like a fake. I believe in Jesus Christ, but as far as December 25th being the day of his birth, and that being a reason to buy someone else a present- no I can't say I'm convinced. Besides I've never liked the organised idea of some abstract social sheep-like following, when we're all told that 'this is the time to buy someone a present'. I prefer to do those things on my own schedule at my own intervals based on my own desires to show someone I care- I think it's more powerful and honest that way (aren't I great?). Some people can do it though, get swept away in the fun of this Christmas, then eat a turkey for some reason (why are you eating a turkey???), and buy presents for each other and put them under a christmas tree (why do you have a christmas tree in your house all of a sudden? That's not you! And if you do have a christmas tree, do you have an angel at the top of it? Because you know, that's the proper way to do it! If you want to copy- better copy properly!) But I don't have anything against them. As funny as it sounds, I really don't.... (anyway, who the hell am I ???)

It's only when these people get righteous on me later on or if they ever have done before, talking about their 'culture' and the richness of its history, and on top of that- how americans have 'ruined everything' that I start to get annoyed. Because all too often people will bring up their contries history when talking of the pride in their culture. Only last night I spoke to a sister from Senegal who told me enthusiastically the amazing stories of Ahmadou Bamba in opposing the colonial presence in Senegal, but then again, it also emerged that she loved 50 cent (the guy who raps about sex, alchohol and his shiny jewellery) and that a lot of kids like him and idolise him in Senegal, and that most children wear clothes like American rap-stars. I can't remember the amount of teenage kids I saw in Morocco with their latest western-wannabe hairstyles and fashionable ZARA shirts. Now- I wear Zara shirts too of course, and I didn't get angry at the sight of those children, or the thought of those kids who I'm sure exist all over Africa- idolising and looking up to people who are, in the kindest words- innocent idiots. It doesn't anger me specifically because what do those kids really represent? It's just a symptom of a disease which has it's roots in something much more important. Their culture doesn't give them what they need, so they look elsewhere and get satisfied with things which have their roots in consumerism and materialism (not to mention oppression). But I do recognise it for what it is. You may have a great history, but if your present, if at this very moment, you're doing something that comes from America- then be honest enough to realise that.

Acknowledge it and live with the fact that your culture, or your class, is missing a certain something, or is perhaps greedy for more- and so it feels it neccessary to celebrate the holidays of different cultures and adopt the practices of a consumerist society (America). Yeah I know it's trendy to hate America, but you better realise that you're not doing that great yourself. Only last night I was listening to the radio, and a man spoke of how the red-image of santa claus was made a long time before coca-cola, but it just says a lot about the times we live in that as soon as a myth like 'coca-cola invented father christmas' comes around, that the anti-American sentiment will embrace it, and carry it around the world as if it were completely true. Hate america or love yourselves. Too many people hate america and don't know how to love themselves because they feel inadequate (even if they don't know they feel inadequate).

I'm getting away from the point which is this- whatever the reasons are that you celebrate christmas- think about them and then admit them to yourself. Live with the reality, even if it makes me or you look a little fake, live with it. Feeling fake or shallow is a good thing I've found, because whilst it's a low-point, it's also a marker, a reference point, and you then spend a long time trying to get away from that point and improving yourself. So, it's not a problem that there might be huge weaknesses and holes in your culture, and that may be why you are celebrating Christmas a lot more happily than you celebrated your own religions holidays- as long as you admit that and think about what comes next. Or move against it, be someone I can look up to by trying to be different and by asserting your individuality and standing up to what things are supposed to be like. I mean, that takes some real guts and a real hatred for conformity that most people don't have. But I love to see that. Don't we all love to see someone sticking their fingers up to the norm, and saying, "no, this is how I'm going to do it!" especially if it's not harming anyone else, and is an interesting and different direction. That's someone I can respect. To bring this back to the surface again- I can just tell all Arabs and all other quick-talking Muslims out there that there's nothing more pathetic in modern times than people who rather secretly (or to their credit sometimes- not secretly) enjoy watching friends on television and eating McDonalds .."because it tastes good!" (hey, maybe it does taste good- I'm not disputing that) when in public they will go on and on about what's wrong and right about America and the world. Nobody who is awake likes hypocrites, or hypocritical things. So that's my grumble before I head off to a party which is undoubtedly christmas-related. (If I don't have fun, I'll leave early, but I've been in all day and I'm tired of this screen.)

Despite that, I do know, more than know, I feel, that this is a special time. I feel it in the streets, I remember the cold on my face every year around this time; unmistakably December. And I like that. I like the lights in the streets even though they mean less each year, I like the business in my already increasingly busy-city, even though beyond the enjoyment of seeing lots of peoples faces and beautiful children, lies the truth that this is a sign of things getting worse, of people relying more on spending for happiness. But on a level, yes I like all of it. It could be better, of course. There could be more christmas spirit, there should be more charity, more spending on those who need instead of spending on your already spoilt children (don't take the word 'spoilt' to mean, 'evil little brats'! I was spoilt, but children are beautiful children. They will only cry and ask for more if you've raised them to be needy for materialistic things, or allowed the materialistic world to get to them before you have - i.e. allowing the television to raise your children). There are people who don't know it's christmas and need your help. I think it would be great to reach out to those people. The world is not perfect, but that doesn't mean we shouldn't be trying to make it so. I hope you all have a great holiday and a great break from work and a great time with your family, what a great thing family is. And someone special, if you have someone special. You cheeky little lover.

Every single moment is something. Every second of your life is 23:59 and 59 seconds on December 31st 1999. Don't let the world tell you how things are. Spend some time dreaming, and then you might be able to come up with some ideas of your own, and then one day you might be able to tell the world how you want things. Be a dreamer, and continue to live in reality at the same time. The two of those can exist side-by-side in perfect harmony, despite what you may think.

A smile and wink from your buddy,
Y.Misdaq,
December 24, 2004 / Dhul-Qa`dah 12, 1425