"Relaxing Hallucinations "
SkevOne

Walking in front of burger king on the way back from glances on the train, sexy, lonely bad relationships with business excuses, wanted to pick up my check for delivering packages on my bike via the New York City traffic but thought very quickly that one thought is not to be held onto, but passed along like a cloud in windy weather. Lounging the night before in a corrupt soundscape where fierce rivalry manifests in bitter toasts and empty dancing, closed the tab out with gin and tonics and a guest's grand Marnier on the rocks and affectionately flirted with an older woman who gave sincere fuck looks and slurred a word of suggestion and kissed my cheek and lips. A conversation with an old friend occurred hours before because; now employed society has redeemed an old member and granted the wits to walk upright and enjoy relationships piece meal to the old shadows of disenchantment and bitter financial solitude. The exchange was original and unique to our friendship, I can't reduce it to competition like others, but I overanalyze and that's my way and I look forward to integrating that life back into my own it would make me more complete and in touch with my past and legitimize my present as a clear continuation of where I left off in my teenage years.

I've mentioned before how I think each decade is a time of spiritual growth where there is a reset of the old with the new, being born we are expected to rise to certain expectations by ten and I can't quite remember them except for the simple ones but the pressure is there, simple society develops these norms because for better or worse they help us gauge our lives in relation to other beings' performance. So there I am nineteen years old feeling already having lived a full life and discussing the prospects of living a multitude of small anonymous lives in the world which reflects my emotions, saying loudly in my mind I believe during the surreal first days at community college uncomfortable skin; I could die and it would be okay because satisfaction was in my soul or was it fear of what was yet to meet me in my mind, darkness. Engulfed the balance was so hard to achieve, salty tears and shunned love, a stain on the sidewalk was a friends' bloody plummet of sanitarium suicide, his soul was in mine and it rocked my identity and had to grasp the ordinary to survive could no longer push the limits of my youth and must conform, no assimilate the rejected truth was lost to the ordinary insanity which is projected by corporate television reality and 2.5 children. Education did not slow this process down because it in itself is a question and no answer at least the route I decided to take and nature versus nurture dwelled deep in my mind because the question I longed to answer was can I change back because I've felt a strong gravity towards becoming someone I would hate and that would make me want to buy things to keep this mess going around, cyclical.

The response of my youth was to lash out, escape in relaxing hallucinations of haze smoke sticking to the corolla's fabric material and breaking the law for adrenaline rushes of a type probably similar to jumping out of an airplane, I think some dork from 90210 said it like" you're most alive when you're facing death". I liked to take chances and it released so much stress but that life is so only good when you're young you've got this redeemable health credit and I was in major debt by early to mid twenties and when the switch to the hard stuff came it was a Tyson blow to well being and not least of sanity.

Walking into myself on the dawn of 29 I envision stepping off the Jamaica bound E train at 74th Street - Jackson Heights grasping a copy of Jack Kerouac's "The Subterraneans" and being observed by me at 16 some odd years and wondering if I recognized me and the fold over in time was a pointer to where I should have been, maybe I whispered in my own ear that the girl coming down the stairs holding flowers was a beautiful experience and our heart would be trapped until the final exulting liberation would unite the soul, heart and mind and somehow our love affair would rekindle in paradise of heaven with our Heavenly Father's blessing, transcending space and time I've met myself again and feel so confident because the time has been so challenging and uphill like riding up Madison Avenue on bike towards 86th street and the sweat can blind your vision and make it blurry but I biked that before and I was successful in my youth because I was able to love sincerely and teach the young female to come into her own. Letting her go was hard but necessary for the both of us because the growth had ceased and knife words were becoming the norm. The prayer during my insanity in the car she led so assuredly reintroduced the oneness of God in my mind and scared me but felt like his company was there with me partly shielding me from dagger fractured glass thoughts in my Morrison egg shell mind.

I am ready for love again I just still want to frolic in a bachelor life more, the same way the past decade's progression was strange and awkward but successfully realized in teenage and then the shattering discontinuation of self happened in the twenties and that love was not there, not even..especially not directed inward because insecure hatred and self destructive habits were becoming so strong and they're still here but its all never going to be perfect because it will only be when I die and become one with God. With Him and in Him, is it sacrilege to believe that's what will happen, I do not know but getting back to this progression I feel happy because I am ready for the next adventure of the thirties. Rejuvenated by the strong love of my mother she has illuminated a path of sober discretion which lets you experience the morning sun which is a sin to waste and when you do it gets in your being and lights you to the dynamic energy of the world we live, so excitingly radiant life is to be lived again and the birth was slow and the stages rough but I've come out of the womb and am now in the world conscious of the gift of life.

By SkevOne
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